How not to be a bad party guest (or host)
Learnings from hosting a handful of 50+ person gatherings.
I like hosting parties. Most of mine end up with more than 50 guests, which has given me plenty of opportunities to notice what makes guests (and parties) good or bad.
Most party etiquette is never stated out loud. People are expected to just “get it.” This post is my attempt to spell out the unspoken rules.
How to be a good party guest
Key observation: Good guests consider the experience of other people in the room, not just their own.
Support the room
Adopt a “host mentality,” even though you’re a guest. Your goal is to make people feel comfortable and welcome. That’ll make it easier to mingle with people, because you know that you’re helping add value.
Talk to people you don’t know. Not everybody knows each other. You may be helping someone who’s shy or lonely break out of their shell.
It’s natural to assume that everybody else already knows each other. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Usually most people know a tiny subset of the other people in the room.
You’re already a second-degree connection with everybody in the room. You both know the host. “How do you know the host?” is a really easy icebreaker.
Try to show up reasonably on time. On the other hand, don’t overstay your welcome.
Hosts appreciate those who show up early, as early birds can help bootstrap a crowd.
Staying too late isn’t ideal (especially if you’re not helping out). You basically turn into a liability, and the host eventually has to shepherd you out.
If you arrive early, help set up. If you stay late, help clean up.
Under no circumstances should you make anyone feel uncomfortable. If someone isn’t interested in talking to you, then move on and talk to someone else.
Bringing a +1
If you know the host, try to bring a +1 that the host doesn’t know. Bringing a great +1 is the greatest favor you can do for the party.
Unexpected +1’s can put an unwelcome burden on a party, so be careful. The host bears the downside consequences of having bad guests. They’re trusting your judgment when you bring a +1.
Bring someone you know and trust. Don’t bring an acquaintance who “ought to get outside more and make some friends.”
If you don’t know the host, don’t bring a +1 (unless it’s your partner).
Don’t bring a +2. Or at least ask first.
Pay respects to the host
Find the host in person and at least thank them for hosting. This is especially important if you don’t know the host well, as it’s your chance to introduce yourself.
The day after the party, thank the host over text.
If you can’t make the party, let the host know and thank them for the invite. Never flake. Showing up is half the battle. And if you must flake, be sure to update your RSVP accordingly.
Final thoughts
If you’ve never hosted before, this is your message to host something! Being a host is the best way to learn how to be a great guest.
If you’re self conscious about whether you’re a good guest, you’re probably a good guest.
All of the points above especially apply if you don’t know the host. Most social etiquette is made up of unspoken rules, so this is one big test of social awareness.
How to be a good party host
Key observation: Parties are a repeated game. Good guests attract more good guests. Bad guests drive away good guests. Over time, those effects compound.
Be a super-connector
Do your rounds. Make sure people feel comfortable. The party is for your guests. Today you are providing value.
Make it easier for new people to talk to each other.
Actively introduce people who don’t know each other, especially if you think they’d get along.
Consider making everyone wear name tags or doing introductions/ice breakers.
Follow up after the party. Thank your guests.
Curate the crowd
Don’t do open invites.
Invite people you don’t know well but would like to know better. They don’t have to be your “friends.”
Don’t feel obligated to invite people, even if…
…they were previous guests.
…they’re friends with your friends.
…they explicitly ask you to be invited.
…they didn’t do anything wrong explicitly, but your gut tells you not to.
Ask people you trust to bring +1’s. (See the +1 etiquette from the previous section.)
Try to maintain a balanced gender ratio. Skewed ratios can impact perceived safety/comfort, which will also affect future attendance.
Trust in your guests
Trust in your guests. They’re adults and will figure out how to have a good time. So treat them like adults and don’t feel pressured to micromanage.
Delegate work. Multiple pairs of hands makes things exponentially easier.
The very act of delegating “work” during a party becomes a way to get people to ease in and can be a good excuse for people to mingle.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Eat and hydrate properly. If you need to take an “introvert break,” then do so! You are doing a service for all the people in the room, so you need to make sure your needs are also being met.
Final thoughts
The day after hosting a party, be sure to rest and recover. Pay attention to your emotions and take time to reflect.
Remember that you are doing a service for all the people in the room. Give yourself some credit.
It’s not the venue or events that matter; it’s the people. The people set the vibe.
